"Cooperative Positions"

When one wants to be successful, naturally they look to gaining power, making money or marrying old, rich men in hopes that they die and leave you their millions…or is this last one just me? Since I would soon be repaying those “things that shall not be named,” (student loans) a massive job search seemed appropriate. As much as I love the city of Pittsburgh and all those yinzers, the job market there is not so great. It soon became obvious that I would have better luck being a Steelers ticket scalper than a human resources professional in this city. I realized that my job hunt quickly turned into me Googling “how to become a trophy wife” articles instead of applying for “real life” jobs. So sorry ladies, but being a housewife or stay at home mom doesn’t count as a job no matter how hard you work.

A few weeks later, while in class, my professor announces that there is a potential internship opportunity with the federal government. I thought to myself, I need another shitty, low paying job like I need a hole in my head. I quit listening and went back to texting my bestie about her secret work love affair.  However, he began saying some things that caught my attention.  He explained that although this is just an internship, you have the chance to be placed in offices all over the country and if the position works out they will hire you full time.  In my mind, I picture myself in Miami poolside with a full time job under my belt if this opportunity goes well.  And to be quite honest, how hot would I feel telling people I meet that I work for the Feds?

After class, I took a look at the salary bands for these internship positions – which the government so expertly named “Cooperative Positions.”  So expert in fact that I still do this day do not know what that means and I still hate attempting to explain to others what it means. After seeing the cash these positions offered, I emailed my professor my resume and explained to him how very interested I was in interviewing for this opportunity.  The next day, he responded back indicating that he needed to meet with me privately before he could submit any of my information.  I believe after reading the email, I said out loud, “well that can’t be good.”