Everyone has a list of traits that they want in a significant other. Whether they be physical, mental or emotional, both men and women alike have an idea of what they are looking for in a mate. Some traits can be very obvious, like wanting to date someone who is respectful. However, what about those little traits we often look for that aren't always so textbook. Those traits that not everyone thinks a great or would even want in a potential partner. For example, what if you are super into Harry Potter and a man tells you on a date that he tried to read the books and tried to watch the movie, but he couldn't get into it - would you write him off? I know I would! Sometimes, its the quirkiest of things that cause one to be attracted to another. Thanks to Aziz Ansari, I have come up with my own list of quirky traits that I call my "oh no no's." Basically, if someone has processes one of my "oh no no" traits, I will question on whether or not I would like to continue to date this person. I thought that I would share of few of my "oh no no's" in the list below. Enjoy!
My Oh No No's!
1. He has bad teeth - As my bestie always says, "bad teeth, bad guy"
2. He doesn't know 80's pop music - If you can't get down to Whitney Houston, then I can't get down with you.
3. He says that he is an "entrepreneur" - I understand that this is NYC and people have crazy careers and wild dreams, but to me this sounds like a glorified way to say I'm unemployed.
4. He hates the outdoors - I come from the sticks; please know how to bait a hook.
5. He loves to watch Golf Network - Golf is the most boring sport of all time. I would get more enjoyment out of watching paint dry.
6. He thinks Fireball is whiskey - This needs no explanation.
7. He is a Flyers fan or a Ravens fan - Gross, please up your standards to the black and gold.
8. He eats gluten free, vegan bullshit all the time - Unless you actually have celiac disease and/or a medical need to eat this way, go get me a pizza and get lost.
9. He is good on paper... - In the words of Samantha Jones, "good on paper, bad in bed."
10. He says sending flowers is a waste of time and/or money- Some girls may think this is a waste too, but they look beautiful and smell great. Sometimes you just need that pick me up? Am I right?
So sure, these things are totally silly, but I bed everyone out there has a few things that would make it on their "oh no no" list. And if for some reason you don't, then you either need to get out there more or up your standards! Cheers!
Thursday, January 22, 2015
The 5 Stages of Break-up Grieving - As Told By Yours Truly
Anyone who has taken a sociology course or seen this miraculous Robot Chicken clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY knows about the five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." Sure, death of a loved one and break-up with a loved one are two totally different things, so please do not think that I am trying to compare. However, I found that these stages kind of helpful while I was grieving the death of my relationship. As a recent break-up survivor, I wanted to share how these stages helped me cope - in a comical, non-serious way, of course!
Stage 1 - Denial and Isolation aka "Oh naw you didn't"
The "Oh naw you didn't" phase is when you can't believe that your relationship just ended. You aren't mad yet, you just say to yourself "Sure, fine, cool, yeah this is fine. Just fine." You are secretly imagining your bae running back to you because this break-up isn't for reals. And honestly, if you refer to significant other as bae, this may be why you were broken up with... let's think on that. You say to yourself, "He'll be back in a few days. We aren't REALLY breaking up. I will just hide in my bedroom and watch Netflix and not tell anyone anything for like the whole weekend. No big deal! IT'S FINE."
Stage 2 - Anger aka "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$"
The "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$" phase lasted awhile for me. Once you being to realize that your relationship is done-zo, you get very pissed off. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell or to control where your anger is going. You could simply lose it on the Fresh&Co salad maker because he chopped your avocado too much. "I said not the avocado, you peasant! Where is your manager!?" You also start to focus on everything that your ex did you that you never got too upset about before. Anything that you brushed off as no big deal now becomes a huge deal. Examples include: not knowing how to clean his own bathroom, obsessing over the tightness of his clothing and not knowing how to control his whiskey consumption. Whatever it is, you are pissed, pissed, pissed. "Why was that d#$* sucking scumbag ever born!?" My advice - go to the gym and run, run, run. I dropped a pants size.
Stage 3 - Bargaining aka "But *insert friend's name here*, what if I did...."
In my opinion, because I am a worrier of a person, this is the worst. All you do is think "what if" ALL DAMN DAY LONG. It's exhausting and the "what ifs" your head comes up with are usually stupid and pointless. They only get worse at night. I found ZQuil to be quite helpful in this stage. I don't think my boss appreciated me showing up with bags under my eyes for weeks. "What if I would have just cleaned his bathroom for him instead of yelling at him?" "What if I just appreciated his muscles and not worried about looking like I was dating the human ken doll?" "What if I just stopped drinking completely at any social event we ever attended so I could monitor his drinking for him?" All ridiculous and all need to not happen. There isn't a good enough "what if" to ever make a man realize what he just got rid of.
Stage 4 - Depression aka "I'm kinda sad and need *insert friend's name here* to not hate me for my obsessive 'what if' phase"
In the beginning you will be sad, very sad. There aren't enough cookies, tequila or Netflix to solve this kind of sadness. You will be bummed when you don't have date nights and even more bummed when you try to have a date night with Mr. Tinder and it's horrifying. You will feel like you are the ONLY girl who has EVER felt this way - which is obviously not true. You need to stay busy, see friends and family and start your own routine with just you. You rely on no one but yourself now girlfriend. The only thing that really helps is time... and if you can find somewhere to purchase that, please let me know.
Stage 5 - Acceptance aka "Excuse me, *insert ex's name here* who!?!?!"
Finally! Relief! It was a long time coming, but now it's finally here! You have a new routine and a new outlook on dating. You realize that the fine piece of ass that will be luckily enough to one day marry you is still out there. Your friends are glad to have the old you back and you rarely think about "you know who," "he who must not be named," or my personal favorite, "Satan's little helper." Even if you aren't happy so to speak, you are calm, cool and collected about the situation.
And if you can't seem to make sense of these stages or my reasoning is completely wrong, remember this piece of advice: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
Stage 1 - Denial and Isolation aka "Oh naw you didn't"
The "Oh naw you didn't" phase is when you can't believe that your relationship just ended. You aren't mad yet, you just say to yourself "Sure, fine, cool, yeah this is fine. Just fine." You are secretly imagining your bae running back to you because this break-up isn't for reals. And honestly, if you refer to significant other as bae, this may be why you were broken up with... let's think on that. You say to yourself, "He'll be back in a few days. We aren't REALLY breaking up. I will just hide in my bedroom and watch Netflix and not tell anyone anything for like the whole weekend. No big deal! IT'S FINE."
Stage 2 - Anger aka "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$"
The "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$" phase lasted awhile for me. Once you being to realize that your relationship is done-zo, you get very pissed off. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell or to control where your anger is going. You could simply lose it on the Fresh&Co salad maker because he chopped your avocado too much. "I said not the avocado, you peasant! Where is your manager!?" You also start to focus on everything that your ex did you that you never got too upset about before. Anything that you brushed off as no big deal now becomes a huge deal. Examples include: not knowing how to clean his own bathroom, obsessing over the tightness of his clothing and not knowing how to control his whiskey consumption. Whatever it is, you are pissed, pissed, pissed. "Why was that d#$* sucking scumbag ever born!?" My advice - go to the gym and run, run, run. I dropped a pants size.
Stage 3 - Bargaining aka "But *insert friend's name here*, what if I did...."
In my opinion, because I am a worrier of a person, this is the worst. All you do is think "what if" ALL DAMN DAY LONG. It's exhausting and the "what ifs" your head comes up with are usually stupid and pointless. They only get worse at night. I found ZQuil to be quite helpful in this stage. I don't think my boss appreciated me showing up with bags under my eyes for weeks. "What if I would have just cleaned his bathroom for him instead of yelling at him?" "What if I just appreciated his muscles and not worried about looking like I was dating the human ken doll?" "What if I just stopped drinking completely at any social event we ever attended so I could monitor his drinking for him?" All ridiculous and all need to not happen. There isn't a good enough "what if" to ever make a man realize what he just got rid of.
Stage 4 - Depression aka "I'm kinda sad and need *insert friend's name here* to not hate me for my obsessive 'what if' phase"
In the beginning you will be sad, very sad. There aren't enough cookies, tequila or Netflix to solve this kind of sadness. You will be bummed when you don't have date nights and even more bummed when you try to have a date night with Mr. Tinder and it's horrifying. You will feel like you are the ONLY girl who has EVER felt this way - which is obviously not true. You need to stay busy, see friends and family and start your own routine with just you. You rely on no one but yourself now girlfriend. The only thing that really helps is time... and if you can find somewhere to purchase that, please let me know.
Stage 5 - Acceptance aka "Excuse me, *insert ex's name here* who!?!?!"
Finally! Relief! It was a long time coming, but now it's finally here! You have a new routine and a new outlook on dating. You realize that the fine piece of ass that will be luckily enough to one day marry you is still out there. Your friends are glad to have the old you back and you rarely think about "you know who," "he who must not be named," or my personal favorite, "Satan's little helper." Even if you aren't happy so to speak, you are calm, cool and collected about the situation.
And if you can't seem to make sense of these stages or my reasoning is completely wrong, remember this piece of advice: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Viva Viagara
Ok Ladies, I think we can all say that we have found things in our boyfriend's apartment that we thought was weird. Maybe it's three containers of expired hummus shoved at the back of the fridge, maybe it's make-up concealer, maybe it's an old bank statement you stumbled upon while cleaning...(all of which come from personal experience) but I think for many ladies out there with a steady beau in their life, any time we find something very personal, it makes us a little uneasy. Lucky for me, it takes a lot to embarrass me and when I the found the viagara prescription in my boyfriend's bathroom, now EX boyfriend, I couldn't help but laugh and bring it to his attention.
I was fixing my hair in my ex's bathroom one saturday night before I had to drag us to a friend's ridiculous birthday party we were in no mood to attend. Struggling to keep my slick pony tail in place, I started rumaging through his bathroom cabinet drawers in hopes of finding my hairspray. It was then I saw the little orange pill bottle. It was laying down sideways with the word "Viagara" angled straight towards my eyes. I tried to stiffle my laughter and figure out how I was going to tell my ex I discovered his ED medicine. I am sure most girls would be mortified to learn that their boyfriend, at age 30, was taking viagara. I mean we have all seen those commercials - if they don't make you laugh, then you have a problem. I continued to fix my hair while my ex, made our pregame drinks in the kitchen.
A few minutes later, my ex yells, "hey babe, can I get you anything?" I respond, "Yeah, can you tell me why you have a Viagara prescription?" Silence. Moments later, he pops into the bathroom laughing, his face bright red. There is nothing that can embarrass my ex and I mean nothing. So I was so interested to hear what he had to say about his little secret. I explained to him how I found the bottle and asked what the situation was. Thankfully, we are still both laughing.
So he explains why he has the pills, apparently needed because of a side effect of a blood pressure medication he is no longer on. This made sense to me because he had mentioned the blood pressure medication previously and how he couldn't "perform" in the bedroom the way he wanted to, so he stopped taking it. Well, this is all well in good, but that was two years ago and the pills had been refilled recently. So what's the deal you ask? I have come to the conclusion that men like the extra bump that the pill gives them. My ex claimed that his friends often asked to buy pills in preparation for a big night or because they knew that once they had that 12th bud light (barf), they were going need some serious help getting the blood to flow to that region.
I learned a lot from my ED med run in. Once again it is proved to me that boys never grow up and always have and always will be focused on their penis. So we may as well stop hoping that "he will change." Also, every girl has her weirdo beauty thing, workout thing, shoe thing that we would be mortified to tell anyone but our closest friends. Now, here is proof that guys have their little quirks and insecurities too... and who knew that Viva Viagara could help some of them solve it.
I was fixing my hair in my ex's bathroom one saturday night before I had to drag us to a friend's ridiculous birthday party we were in no mood to attend. Struggling to keep my slick pony tail in place, I started rumaging through his bathroom cabinet drawers in hopes of finding my hairspray. It was then I saw the little orange pill bottle. It was laying down sideways with the word "Viagara" angled straight towards my eyes. I tried to stiffle my laughter and figure out how I was going to tell my ex I discovered his ED medicine. I am sure most girls would be mortified to learn that their boyfriend, at age 30, was taking viagara. I mean we have all seen those commercials - if they don't make you laugh, then you have a problem. I continued to fix my hair while my ex, made our pregame drinks in the kitchen.
A few minutes later, my ex yells, "hey babe, can I get you anything?" I respond, "Yeah, can you tell me why you have a Viagara prescription?" Silence. Moments later, he pops into the bathroom laughing, his face bright red. There is nothing that can embarrass my ex and I mean nothing. So I was so interested to hear what he had to say about his little secret. I explained to him how I found the bottle and asked what the situation was. Thankfully, we are still both laughing.
So he explains why he has the pills, apparently needed because of a side effect of a blood pressure medication he is no longer on. This made sense to me because he had mentioned the blood pressure medication previously and how he couldn't "perform" in the bedroom the way he wanted to, so he stopped taking it. Well, this is all well in good, but that was two years ago and the pills had been refilled recently. So what's the deal you ask? I have come to the conclusion that men like the extra bump that the pill gives them. My ex claimed that his friends often asked to buy pills in preparation for a big night or because they knew that once they had that 12th bud light (barf), they were going need some serious help getting the blood to flow to that region.
I learned a lot from my ED med run in. Once again it is proved to me that boys never grow up and always have and always will be focused on their penis. So we may as well stop hoping that "he will change." Also, every girl has her weirdo beauty thing, workout thing, shoe thing that we would be mortified to tell anyone but our closest friends. Now, here is proof that guys have their little quirks and insecurities too... and who knew that Viva Viagara could help some of them solve it.
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