Anyone who has taken a sociology course or seen this miraculous Robot Chicken clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY knows about the five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." Sure, death of a loved one and break-up with a loved one are two totally different things, so please do not think that I am trying to compare. However, I found that these stages kind of helpful while I was grieving the death of my relationship. As a recent break-up survivor, I wanted to share how these stages helped me cope - in a comical, non-serious way, of course!
Stage 1 - Denial and Isolation aka "Oh naw you didn't"
The "Oh naw you didn't" phase is when you can't believe that your relationship just ended. You aren't mad yet, you just say to yourself "Sure, fine, cool, yeah this is fine. Just fine." You are secretly imagining your bae running back to you because this break-up isn't for reals. And honestly, if you refer to significant other as bae, this may be why you were broken up with... let's think on that. You say to yourself, "He'll be back in a few days. We aren't REALLY breaking up. I will just hide in my bedroom and watch Netflix and not tell anyone anything for like the whole weekend. No big deal! IT'S FINE."
Stage 2 - Anger aka "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$"
The "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$" phase lasted awhile for me. Once you being to realize that your relationship is done-zo, you get very pissed off. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell or to control where your anger is going. You could simply lose it on the Fresh&Co salad maker because he chopped your avocado too much. "I said not the avocado, you peasant! Where is your manager!?" You also start to focus on everything that your ex did you that you never got too upset about before. Anything that you brushed off as no big deal now becomes a huge deal. Examples include: not knowing how to clean his own bathroom, obsessing over the tightness of his clothing and not knowing how to control his whiskey consumption. Whatever it is, you are pissed, pissed, pissed. "Why was that d#$* sucking scumbag ever born!?" My advice - go to the gym and run, run, run. I dropped a pants size.
Stage 3 - Bargaining aka "But *insert friend's name here*, what if I did...."
In my opinion, because I am a worrier of a person, this is the worst. All you do is think "what if" ALL DAMN DAY LONG. It's exhausting and the "what ifs" your head comes up with are usually stupid and pointless. They only get worse at night. I found ZQuil to be quite helpful in this stage. I don't think my boss appreciated me showing up with bags under my eyes for weeks. "What if I would have just cleaned his bathroom for him instead of yelling at him?" "What if I just appreciated his muscles and not worried about looking like I was dating the human ken doll?" "What if I just stopped drinking completely at any social event we ever attended so I could monitor his drinking for him?" All ridiculous and all need to not happen. There isn't a good enough "what if" to ever make a man realize what he just got rid of.
Stage 4 - Depression aka "I'm kinda sad and need *insert friend's name here* to not hate me for my obsessive 'what if' phase"
In the beginning you will be sad, very sad. There aren't enough cookies, tequila or Netflix to solve this kind of sadness. You will be bummed when you don't have date nights and even more bummed when you try to have a date night with Mr. Tinder and it's horrifying. You will feel like you are the ONLY girl who has EVER felt this way - which is obviously not true. You need to stay busy, see friends and family and start your own routine with just you. You rely on no one but yourself now girlfriend. The only thing that really helps is time... and if you can find somewhere to purchase that, please let me know.
Stage 5 - Acceptance aka "Excuse me, *insert ex's name here* who!?!?!"
Finally! Relief! It was a long time coming, but now it's finally here! You have a new routine and a new outlook on dating. You realize that the fine piece of ass that will be luckily enough to one day marry you is still out there. Your friends are glad to have the old you back and you rarely think about "you know who," "he who must not be named," or my personal favorite, "Satan's little helper." Even if you aren't happy so to speak, you are calm, cool and collected about the situation.
And if you can't seem to make sense of these stages or my reasoning is completely wrong, remember this piece of advice: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
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