I don't know how it is for you, but for me, the gym is a struggle at least 90% of the time. Forcing myself to go to the gym after 9 hours of the corporate life is a tough thing to do. I would much rather be binge watching Mob Wives with my friends Brie and Chardonnay. When I do muster up the ability to put the TV remote down and shove my booty into my basic white girl work out leggings, I am still dreading the trip. Here are some thoughts that go through my head when venturing to the gym and attempting to be a lady boss on the treadmill.
1. Look at me - I made it to the gym. I should probably reward myself with a cookie when I get home.
2. Wait - I can't have a cookie? I just went to the gym! Ugh fine. No cookie.
3. Alright now that I am here I really have to step it up today; can't piss around on the stationary bike reading about the Kardashian family antics in Life&Style like I did last time.
4. Better look for an open treadmill...
5.Omg why is it so crowded and yet so cold? Goosebumps everywhere. So much for shaving.
6. Ooooh treadmill, ok let's stretch it out before starting this baby up for my insane 4 mile run.
7. Ok here we go slow and steady wins the race.
8. I got this. Running, running, running...
9. Omg - Creed how the fuck did you get on my Pandora station.
10. Better walk for a minute while I get my playlist in check.
11. Oooh who is that man in the blue shorts... are you new here? Mr. Blue Shorts... my oh my.
12. Ok focus bitch...Increasing speed.
13. Wait, wait this is 7 mph feels like? Why do my legs feel like they are going to pop off my body. 14. Back down to 5.5 mph... better... I think?
15. Omg why is so hot in here?
16. That guy is looking at me.
17. Have I ever sweat so much in my life?
18. Why is that skinny girl on the elliptical? Like you're already a size zero - you're done.
19. Wait - I am only at 1 mile? This thing is lying.
20. Treadmill. Must. Be. Broken.
21. Let's just power walk on an incline for a minute... catch my breath. ya know?
22. This is.... kinda nice?
23. Nope not nice. My ass feels like it's on fire.
24. Push it girl, push it. You aren't going to get that Beyoncé booty otherwise....
25. Two minutes later - oh fuck Beyoncé. She has a personal trainer and a personal chef.
26. Wow having a personal chef must be amazing... think of all the things he could make me....
27. MAC N CHEESE, PERSONAL PIZZA, CHEESECAKE
28. Must stop thinking of food.
29. No, like seriously bitch stop it.
30. Oh look I hit two miles... that's a good work out right?
31. I think it's a great workout.
32. Get me off this thing.
33. I mean it's better than sitting on my ass eating a whole pizza right?
34. Much better
35. Now let's get outta here
36. Hmmm what should I have for dinner?
37. I just "ran" two miles. I deserve a splurge meal. Am I right?!
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
My Oh No No List
Everyone has a list of traits that they want in a significant other. Whether they be physical, mental or emotional, both men and women alike have an idea of what they are looking for in a mate. Some traits can be very obvious, like wanting to date someone who is respectful. However, what about those little traits we often look for that aren't always so textbook. Those traits that not everyone thinks a great or would even want in a potential partner. For example, what if you are super into Harry Potter and a man tells you on a date that he tried to read the books and tried to watch the movie, but he couldn't get into it - would you write him off? I know I would! Sometimes, its the quirkiest of things that cause one to be attracted to another. Thanks to Aziz Ansari, I have come up with my own list of quirky traits that I call my "oh no no's." Basically, if someone has processes one of my "oh no no" traits, I will question on whether or not I would like to continue to date this person. I thought that I would share of few of my "oh no no's" in the list below. Enjoy!
My Oh No No's!
1. He has bad teeth - As my bestie always says, "bad teeth, bad guy"
2. He doesn't know 80's pop music - If you can't get down to Whitney Houston, then I can't get down with you.
3. He says that he is an "entrepreneur" - I understand that this is NYC and people have crazy careers and wild dreams, but to me this sounds like a glorified way to say I'm unemployed.
4. He hates the outdoors - I come from the sticks; please know how to bait a hook.
5. He loves to watch Golf Network - Golf is the most boring sport of all time. I would get more enjoyment out of watching paint dry.
6. He thinks Fireball is whiskey - This needs no explanation.
7. He is a Flyers fan or a Ravens fan - Gross, please up your standards to the black and gold.
8. He eats gluten free, vegan bullshit all the time - Unless you actually have celiac disease and/or a medical need to eat this way, go get me a pizza and get lost.
9. He is good on paper... - In the words of Samantha Jones, "good on paper, bad in bed."
10. He says sending flowers is a waste of time and/or money- Some girls may think this is a waste too, but they look beautiful and smell great. Sometimes you just need that pick me up? Am I right?
So sure, these things are totally silly, but I bed everyone out there has a few things that would make it on their "oh no no" list. And if for some reason you don't, then you either need to get out there more or up your standards! Cheers!
My Oh No No's!
1. He has bad teeth - As my bestie always says, "bad teeth, bad guy"
2. He doesn't know 80's pop music - If you can't get down to Whitney Houston, then I can't get down with you.
3. He says that he is an "entrepreneur" - I understand that this is NYC and people have crazy careers and wild dreams, but to me this sounds like a glorified way to say I'm unemployed.
4. He hates the outdoors - I come from the sticks; please know how to bait a hook.
5. He loves to watch Golf Network - Golf is the most boring sport of all time. I would get more enjoyment out of watching paint dry.
6. He thinks Fireball is whiskey - This needs no explanation.
7. He is a Flyers fan or a Ravens fan - Gross, please up your standards to the black and gold.
8. He eats gluten free, vegan bullshit all the time - Unless you actually have celiac disease and/or a medical need to eat this way, go get me a pizza and get lost.
9. He is good on paper... - In the words of Samantha Jones, "good on paper, bad in bed."
10. He says sending flowers is a waste of time and/or money- Some girls may think this is a waste too, but they look beautiful and smell great. Sometimes you just need that pick me up? Am I right?
So sure, these things are totally silly, but I bed everyone out there has a few things that would make it on their "oh no no" list. And if for some reason you don't, then you either need to get out there more or up your standards! Cheers!
The 5 Stages of Break-up Grieving - As Told By Yours Truly
Anyone who has taken a sociology course or seen this miraculous Robot Chicken clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_Z3lmidmrY knows about the five stages of grief that were first proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying." Sure, death of a loved one and break-up with a loved one are two totally different things, so please do not think that I am trying to compare. However, I found that these stages kind of helpful while I was grieving the death of my relationship. As a recent break-up survivor, I wanted to share how these stages helped me cope - in a comical, non-serious way, of course!
Stage 1 - Denial and Isolation aka "Oh naw you didn't"
The "Oh naw you didn't" phase is when you can't believe that your relationship just ended. You aren't mad yet, you just say to yourself "Sure, fine, cool, yeah this is fine. Just fine." You are secretly imagining your bae running back to you because this break-up isn't for reals. And honestly, if you refer to significant other as bae, this may be why you were broken up with... let's think on that. You say to yourself, "He'll be back in a few days. We aren't REALLY breaking up. I will just hide in my bedroom and watch Netflix and not tell anyone anything for like the whole weekend. No big deal! IT'S FINE."
Stage 2 - Anger aka "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$"
The "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$" phase lasted awhile for me. Once you being to realize that your relationship is done-zo, you get very pissed off. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell or to control where your anger is going. You could simply lose it on the Fresh&Co salad maker because he chopped your avocado too much. "I said not the avocado, you peasant! Where is your manager!?" You also start to focus on everything that your ex did you that you never got too upset about before. Anything that you brushed off as no big deal now becomes a huge deal. Examples include: not knowing how to clean his own bathroom, obsessing over the tightness of his clothing and not knowing how to control his whiskey consumption. Whatever it is, you are pissed, pissed, pissed. "Why was that d#$* sucking scumbag ever born!?" My advice - go to the gym and run, run, run. I dropped a pants size.
Stage 3 - Bargaining aka "But *insert friend's name here*, what if I did...."
In my opinion, because I am a worrier of a person, this is the worst. All you do is think "what if" ALL DAMN DAY LONG. It's exhausting and the "what ifs" your head comes up with are usually stupid and pointless. They only get worse at night. I found ZQuil to be quite helpful in this stage. I don't think my boss appreciated me showing up with bags under my eyes for weeks. "What if I would have just cleaned his bathroom for him instead of yelling at him?" "What if I just appreciated his muscles and not worried about looking like I was dating the human ken doll?" "What if I just stopped drinking completely at any social event we ever attended so I could monitor his drinking for him?" All ridiculous and all need to not happen. There isn't a good enough "what if" to ever make a man realize what he just got rid of.
Stage 4 - Depression aka "I'm kinda sad and need *insert friend's name here* to not hate me for my obsessive 'what if' phase"
In the beginning you will be sad, very sad. There aren't enough cookies, tequila or Netflix to solve this kind of sadness. You will be bummed when you don't have date nights and even more bummed when you try to have a date night with Mr. Tinder and it's horrifying. You will feel like you are the ONLY girl who has EVER felt this way - which is obviously not true. You need to stay busy, see friends and family and start your own routine with just you. You rely on no one but yourself now girlfriend. The only thing that really helps is time... and if you can find somewhere to purchase that, please let me know.
Stage 5 - Acceptance aka "Excuse me, *insert ex's name here* who!?!?!"
Finally! Relief! It was a long time coming, but now it's finally here! You have a new routine and a new outlook on dating. You realize that the fine piece of ass that will be luckily enough to one day marry you is still out there. Your friends are glad to have the old you back and you rarely think about "you know who," "he who must not be named," or my personal favorite, "Satan's little helper." Even if you aren't happy so to speak, you are calm, cool and collected about the situation.
And if you can't seem to make sense of these stages or my reasoning is completely wrong, remember this piece of advice: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
Stage 1 - Denial and Isolation aka "Oh naw you didn't"
The "Oh naw you didn't" phase is when you can't believe that your relationship just ended. You aren't mad yet, you just say to yourself "Sure, fine, cool, yeah this is fine. Just fine." You are secretly imagining your bae running back to you because this break-up isn't for reals. And honestly, if you refer to significant other as bae, this may be why you were broken up with... let's think on that. You say to yourself, "He'll be back in a few days. We aren't REALLY breaking up. I will just hide in my bedroom and watch Netflix and not tell anyone anything for like the whole weekend. No big deal! IT'S FINE."
Stage 2 - Anger aka "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$"
The "You F*#$(*#$ Inconsiderate Piece of S#&$" phase lasted awhile for me. Once you being to realize that your relationship is done-zo, you get very pissed off. Unfortunately, it is hard to tell or to control where your anger is going. You could simply lose it on the Fresh&Co salad maker because he chopped your avocado too much. "I said not the avocado, you peasant! Where is your manager!?" You also start to focus on everything that your ex did you that you never got too upset about before. Anything that you brushed off as no big deal now becomes a huge deal. Examples include: not knowing how to clean his own bathroom, obsessing over the tightness of his clothing and not knowing how to control his whiskey consumption. Whatever it is, you are pissed, pissed, pissed. "Why was that d#$* sucking scumbag ever born!?" My advice - go to the gym and run, run, run. I dropped a pants size.
Stage 3 - Bargaining aka "But *insert friend's name here*, what if I did...."
In my opinion, because I am a worrier of a person, this is the worst. All you do is think "what if" ALL DAMN DAY LONG. It's exhausting and the "what ifs" your head comes up with are usually stupid and pointless. They only get worse at night. I found ZQuil to be quite helpful in this stage. I don't think my boss appreciated me showing up with bags under my eyes for weeks. "What if I would have just cleaned his bathroom for him instead of yelling at him?" "What if I just appreciated his muscles and not worried about looking like I was dating the human ken doll?" "What if I just stopped drinking completely at any social event we ever attended so I could monitor his drinking for him?" All ridiculous and all need to not happen. There isn't a good enough "what if" to ever make a man realize what he just got rid of.
Stage 4 - Depression aka "I'm kinda sad and need *insert friend's name here* to not hate me for my obsessive 'what if' phase"
In the beginning you will be sad, very sad. There aren't enough cookies, tequila or Netflix to solve this kind of sadness. You will be bummed when you don't have date nights and even more bummed when you try to have a date night with Mr. Tinder and it's horrifying. You will feel like you are the ONLY girl who has EVER felt this way - which is obviously not true. You need to stay busy, see friends and family and start your own routine with just you. You rely on no one but yourself now girlfriend. The only thing that really helps is time... and if you can find somewhere to purchase that, please let me know.
Stage 5 - Acceptance aka "Excuse me, *insert ex's name here* who!?!?!"
Finally! Relief! It was a long time coming, but now it's finally here! You have a new routine and a new outlook on dating. You realize that the fine piece of ass that will be luckily enough to one day marry you is still out there. Your friends are glad to have the old you back and you rarely think about "you know who," "he who must not be named," or my personal favorite, "Satan's little helper." Even if you aren't happy so to speak, you are calm, cool and collected about the situation.
And if you can't seem to make sense of these stages or my reasoning is completely wrong, remember this piece of advice: "The quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone else."
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Viva Viagara
Ok Ladies, I think we can all say that we have found things in our boyfriend's apartment that we thought was weird. Maybe it's three containers of expired hummus shoved at the back of the fridge, maybe it's make-up concealer, maybe it's an old bank statement you stumbled upon while cleaning...(all of which come from personal experience) but I think for many ladies out there with a steady beau in their life, any time we find something very personal, it makes us a little uneasy. Lucky for me, it takes a lot to embarrass me and when I the found the viagara prescription in my boyfriend's bathroom, now EX boyfriend, I couldn't help but laugh and bring it to his attention.
I was fixing my hair in my ex's bathroom one saturday night before I had to drag us to a friend's ridiculous birthday party we were in no mood to attend. Struggling to keep my slick pony tail in place, I started rumaging through his bathroom cabinet drawers in hopes of finding my hairspray. It was then I saw the little orange pill bottle. It was laying down sideways with the word "Viagara" angled straight towards my eyes. I tried to stiffle my laughter and figure out how I was going to tell my ex I discovered his ED medicine. I am sure most girls would be mortified to learn that their boyfriend, at age 30, was taking viagara. I mean we have all seen those commercials - if they don't make you laugh, then you have a problem. I continued to fix my hair while my ex, made our pregame drinks in the kitchen.
A few minutes later, my ex yells, "hey babe, can I get you anything?" I respond, "Yeah, can you tell me why you have a Viagara prescription?" Silence. Moments later, he pops into the bathroom laughing, his face bright red. There is nothing that can embarrass my ex and I mean nothing. So I was so interested to hear what he had to say about his little secret. I explained to him how I found the bottle and asked what the situation was. Thankfully, we are still both laughing.
So he explains why he has the pills, apparently needed because of a side effect of a blood pressure medication he is no longer on. This made sense to me because he had mentioned the blood pressure medication previously and how he couldn't "perform" in the bedroom the way he wanted to, so he stopped taking it. Well, this is all well in good, but that was two years ago and the pills had been refilled recently. So what's the deal you ask? I have come to the conclusion that men like the extra bump that the pill gives them. My ex claimed that his friends often asked to buy pills in preparation for a big night or because they knew that once they had that 12th bud light (barf), they were going need some serious help getting the blood to flow to that region.
I learned a lot from my ED med run in. Once again it is proved to me that boys never grow up and always have and always will be focused on their penis. So we may as well stop hoping that "he will change." Also, every girl has her weirdo beauty thing, workout thing, shoe thing that we would be mortified to tell anyone but our closest friends. Now, here is proof that guys have their little quirks and insecurities too... and who knew that Viva Viagara could help some of them solve it.
I was fixing my hair in my ex's bathroom one saturday night before I had to drag us to a friend's ridiculous birthday party we were in no mood to attend. Struggling to keep my slick pony tail in place, I started rumaging through his bathroom cabinet drawers in hopes of finding my hairspray. It was then I saw the little orange pill bottle. It was laying down sideways with the word "Viagara" angled straight towards my eyes. I tried to stiffle my laughter and figure out how I was going to tell my ex I discovered his ED medicine. I am sure most girls would be mortified to learn that their boyfriend, at age 30, was taking viagara. I mean we have all seen those commercials - if they don't make you laugh, then you have a problem. I continued to fix my hair while my ex, made our pregame drinks in the kitchen.
A few minutes later, my ex yells, "hey babe, can I get you anything?" I respond, "Yeah, can you tell me why you have a Viagara prescription?" Silence. Moments later, he pops into the bathroom laughing, his face bright red. There is nothing that can embarrass my ex and I mean nothing. So I was so interested to hear what he had to say about his little secret. I explained to him how I found the bottle and asked what the situation was. Thankfully, we are still both laughing.
So he explains why he has the pills, apparently needed because of a side effect of a blood pressure medication he is no longer on. This made sense to me because he had mentioned the blood pressure medication previously and how he couldn't "perform" in the bedroom the way he wanted to, so he stopped taking it. Well, this is all well in good, but that was two years ago and the pills had been refilled recently. So what's the deal you ask? I have come to the conclusion that men like the extra bump that the pill gives them. My ex claimed that his friends often asked to buy pills in preparation for a big night or because they knew that once they had that 12th bud light (barf), they were going need some serious help getting the blood to flow to that region.
I learned a lot from my ED med run in. Once again it is proved to me that boys never grow up and always have and always will be focused on their penis. So we may as well stop hoping that "he will change." Also, every girl has her weirdo beauty thing, workout thing, shoe thing that we would be mortified to tell anyone but our closest friends. Now, here is proof that guys have their little quirks and insecurities too... and who knew that Viva Viagara could help some of them solve it.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Godzilla Has Landed in Midtown East
There are a lot of different reasons why people like their jobs. I would think that the most common things are the great pay, work/life balance or great benefits. Rarely people start off by saying how great their boss is. Some do, and I was lucky enough to be one of them. I had been blessed with the best boss in literally the entire world
while working in HR at the law firm. In
fact, if she read that statement, she would yell at me because she never liked
me referring to her as a "boss."
My boss, let's call her The Boss from now on, was the right balance of
caring about you and caring about you doing your job. She wanted me to learn
from her and grow in my career professionally.
Trust me, if there was anyone you would want for your boss, she was it.
Over the next few weeks, I kept my head down and my mouth shut, unless Newbie needed my help. It seemed that anything I said or did, Newbie took the wrong way. I pride myself on the ability to get along with a variety of people, but for some reason, Newbie and I couldn’t seem to make our working relationship work. Things began to get pretty bad (which I will elaborate on in my next post.) I decided I needed to talk to someone who would 100% understand where I am coming from. I called The Boss and before I could say anything she says, “Nicole, is everything ok there? How is Newbie treating you?” And well since she asked, I filled her in on some reason developments. The Boss simply replied, “ You are not alone in feeling that way. Nicole, I have personally nicknamed her Godzilla."
However, being that my saint of a boss had recently moved,
she would no longer be supervising the NYC office of my firm. Shortly after this news, the interview
process began for a new supervisor. I was very upset that someone would be replacing Denise and honestly, I was a bit scared too. Already knowing that I had such a wonderful supervisor and mentor, I was pretty worried about the new person coming in. I tried to stay positive and The Boss assured me that we would make sure this person was the right fit for the job and the right fit to supervise me. This did put me at ease, so when the new supervisor started, let's refer to her as Newbie, I was less apprehensive and more exciting to have a new person with new ideas in the department.
During Newbie's first week, The Boss and I were heavily involved with training her. It became very obvious from day 1 that Newbie had a listening
problem. She was always starting her sentences off with, "well at my old firm we
did this..." I am certainly junior in my career, but I sense that this is
the wrong way to start off a new job. At the end of the week, Newbie had scared
several of our secretaries, frustrated The Boss to no end and made me question
my judgment when choosing her as my number 1 out of all the other candidates.
Over the next few weeks, I kept my head down and my mouth shut, unless Newbie needed my help. It seemed that anything I said or did, Newbie took the wrong way. I pride myself on the ability to get along with a variety of people, but for some reason, Newbie and I couldn’t seem to make our working relationship work. Things began to get pretty bad (which I will elaborate on in my next post.) I decided I needed to talk to someone who would 100% understand where I am coming from. I called The Boss and before I could say anything she says, “Nicole, is everything ok there? How is Newbie treating you?” And well since she asked, I filled her in on some reason developments. The Boss simply replied, “ You are not alone in feeling that way. Nicole, I have personally nicknamed her Godzilla."
Monday, April 21, 2014
Things You Learn When You Move to Manhattan
So after many months of living in Brooklyn, I decided to take the plunge and move to Manhattan. I wanted to go full on Sex and the City style. I couldn't be living like married Miranda in Brooklyn; I needed to be a Carrie with a little dash of Samantha and a touch of Charlotte. I needed fancy, overpriced cocktails, men in suits and real fashion. Sorry Brooklyn, but the hipster look is so not in. It's not original or cool when you all dress like mismatched hobos and carry the same white iPhone 5, listen to the same music and live in the same ugly graffiti buildings in Williamsburg.
After moving and being in Manhattan night and day 24/7, I have picked up on some things:
1. Avoid leaving for work any earlier than 7:30 AM. I organized a blood drive at work I needed to be in early to make everything was up and running. No one is out early in the mornings in Manhattan but Hispanic construction workers who cat call you and junkies. It is scarier being out in Manhattan at 7:00 AM on a Tuesday morning than it is to be out at 2:00 AM any night of the week.
2. People pee everywhere. I saw a women squatting in the middle of the sidewalk on Broadway at about 5:30 PM. She didn't seem to mind that she was flashing her vagina to the people of NYC. I have walked over a stream of pee while waiting to catch the subway in the AM before work. Some man was facing the wall pissing and the stream ran the whole way down the platform.
3. Apartment buildings want your blood and first born before you can live in an overpriced hole in the wall. I kid you not, I had to make 40x the monthly rent, provide my taxes, bank account statement, paystubs, a letter from my employers, and a landlord referance just to live in an apartment that has a "fake bedroom."
4. I learned what a "fake bedroom" is. In many apartment buildings, people split the living room in half by putting up a fake wall and create an extra bedroom. This is the only way young people afford to live in nice buildings. It's very, very sad. What's even more sad, I currently have one of these "fake bedrooms."
5. Everyone does online dating. And I mean everyone. Whether it's tinder or j date. It's happening and yes, I did get sucked in, but more on that later.
6. It is perfectly acceptable to not go out with friends for dinner until 10 PM and not hit the bar until 12 PM. When bars are open until 4 AM, the night is always young.
7. You realize what the B&T crowd is. People of Manhattan that consider themselves "normal" (whatever that is), will become upset when they enter a bar and they believe that the place is full of the B&T crowd. B stands for bridges and T stands for tunnels. So this group encompasses anyone that came from the outer boroughs, or even worse - Jersey.
8. You thank your lucky stars you are not from Jersey or Long Island. THANK. YOU. JESUS.
9. No one cares if the Rangers/Yankees/Giants/Knicks or whoever is playing. In Pittsburgh, sports are cult like, if there is a Penguins game on Saturday night, you bet your ass you are either going or doing something "for the game." That doesn't happen here, if I wasn't a sports fan, I wouldn't even know sports existed.
10. Living in NYC is nothing like sex and the city or gossip girl or girls (gross). As much as plenty of girls wish that they could be living it up like Carrie Bradshaw or Blair Waldorf, this is a fantasy land. I still love my Sex and the City binge sessions, but it's quite unreal for a 26 year old from an average town in average America. However, that hasn't stopped me from looking for my Mr. Big, great girlfriends and great fashion.
After moving and being in Manhattan night and day 24/7, I have picked up on some things:
1. Avoid leaving for work any earlier than 7:30 AM. I organized a blood drive at work I needed to be in early to make everything was up and running. No one is out early in the mornings in Manhattan but Hispanic construction workers who cat call you and junkies. It is scarier being out in Manhattan at 7:00 AM on a Tuesday morning than it is to be out at 2:00 AM any night of the week.
2. People pee everywhere. I saw a women squatting in the middle of the sidewalk on Broadway at about 5:30 PM. She didn't seem to mind that she was flashing her vagina to the people of NYC. I have walked over a stream of pee while waiting to catch the subway in the AM before work. Some man was facing the wall pissing and the stream ran the whole way down the platform.
3. Apartment buildings want your blood and first born before you can live in an overpriced hole in the wall. I kid you not, I had to make 40x the monthly rent, provide my taxes, bank account statement, paystubs, a letter from my employers, and a landlord referance just to live in an apartment that has a "fake bedroom."
4. I learned what a "fake bedroom" is. In many apartment buildings, people split the living room in half by putting up a fake wall and create an extra bedroom. This is the only way young people afford to live in nice buildings. It's very, very sad. What's even more sad, I currently have one of these "fake bedrooms."
5. Everyone does online dating. And I mean everyone. Whether it's tinder or j date. It's happening and yes, I did get sucked in, but more on that later.
6. It is perfectly acceptable to not go out with friends for dinner until 10 PM and not hit the bar until 12 PM. When bars are open until 4 AM, the night is always young.
7. You realize what the B&T crowd is. People of Manhattan that consider themselves "normal" (whatever that is), will become upset when they enter a bar and they believe that the place is full of the B&T crowd. B stands for bridges and T stands for tunnels. So this group encompasses anyone that came from the outer boroughs, or even worse - Jersey.
8. You thank your lucky stars you are not from Jersey or Long Island. THANK. YOU. JESUS.
9. No one cares if the Rangers/Yankees/Giants/Knicks or whoever is playing. In Pittsburgh, sports are cult like, if there is a Penguins game on Saturday night, you bet your ass you are either going or doing something "for the game." That doesn't happen here, if I wasn't a sports fan, I wouldn't even know sports existed.
10. Living in NYC is nothing like sex and the city or gossip girl or girls (gross). As much as plenty of girls wish that they could be living it up like Carrie Bradshaw or Blair Waldorf, this is a fantasy land. I still love my Sex and the City binge sessions, but it's quite unreal for a 26 year old from an average town in average America. However, that hasn't stopped me from looking for my Mr. Big, great girlfriends and great fashion.
Friday, April 4, 2014
Revenge Can Be So Sweet
Whenever girls go through a rough break-up, girls always contemplate revenge. Usually, it is just a gossip session with our girlfriends laughing about how he may be secretly gay or how his penis isn't the "right size" (whatever that is?) We sip too many martinis and joke about how we will ruin his life. This is later followed by a lot of ugly, drunk crying in the bathroom. Between crying fits the girl comes to a gin induced conclusion that the break occurred because she is too fat, too stupid or too clingy. If girls haven't done this personally, they have a friend who has, and it's miserable. What if women were able to have these cry sessions and actually get a type of revenge that would satisfy them? Well ladies, it's possible, and I've done it. Let me take you back to my senior year of college...
Senior year, I was single and ready to party my way right to graduation. I mean what senior college student isn't? Somehow in my 21 year old mind, I thought it would be a great idea to have a boyfriend. Sure, boyfriends are great, but senior year of college? I still to this day do not know what I was thinking. We dated for a year and then the break-up occured. And trust me it was BAD. So bad, that months later, driving on the PA turnpike in butt fuck nowhere I ran into him at the Bedford Sheetz (anyone who is a frequent of western PA knows why I stopped there and just what I am talking about). I got back to my car and cried like a baby. I am pretty sure my sister even had to take over the driving at this point. Anyway, I hated him and hated the fact that he was happy and doing well after how he treated me when we broke up - which I can sum up in one sentence - he threw a blackberry (phone not fruit) at my head.
If there was anyone I wanted to get revenge on, the ex was it. He deserved it, but I couldn't seem to find the right opportunity. Ironically, after moving to New York, I ran into my ex's best friend while I was home visiting my family. Now, my ex's bestie and I always had that awkward chemistry you have with someone you aren't supposed to have chemistry with and my ex knew it and it caused some pretty awful fights. Of course we see each other at one of the lovely (icky) bar establishments of western PA and he starts chatting me up. Some shots and a pitcher of the famous "blue balls" (a giant pitcher of liquor for $8.00 - God bless) later, we were sloppily making out and headed to his place. I think we all know what happens next.
I woke up, head pounding and forget where I was for a few seconds. Then it all came back to me - I had just hooked up with my ex's best friend. We had that awkward post-sex morning chit chat, realize we are still naked and start going at it. The whole time all I could do was laugh to myself about how awkward this would be between the ex and the best friend. Sure men have different mentality on these kinds of things, but knowing them and the relationship they had with each other, this was some good revenge. Mid-sex I started to feel the hangover. It starts to overwhelm me and I excuse myself to the bathroom. Vomit went everywhere. I don't know what happened, but I cleaned it up the best I could with his towel and bath mat - I had very little to work with here and to be honest I could have cared less. I brushed my teeth with some toothpaste on my finger and returned to bed and picked up right where him and I had left off.
When I went to leave, I realized I had somehow lost one of my pumps. That has NEVER happened to me and I have never been "that girl." I drove home with one pump on and one pump off while throwing up in an old McDonald's bag that had been in my car prior to the NYC move. However, I didn't care because as cliche as it is - the revenge was so sweet.
Some of you may be thinking, wait you got drunk and had sex with your ex's friend? Cool story, slut. And I hear you there. This is certainly not one of my classiest moments. But, how many times have guys done this to their ex's? A whole hell of a lot. Rarely, are women able to get revenge on an ex and feel liberated by it. And you know what, I did feel liberated and it felt fucking fantastic - so sue me.
Senior year, I was single and ready to party my way right to graduation. I mean what senior college student isn't? Somehow in my 21 year old mind, I thought it would be a great idea to have a boyfriend. Sure, boyfriends are great, but senior year of college? I still to this day do not know what I was thinking. We dated for a year and then the break-up occured. And trust me it was BAD. So bad, that months later, driving on the PA turnpike in butt fuck nowhere I ran into him at the Bedford Sheetz (anyone who is a frequent of western PA knows why I stopped there and just what I am talking about). I got back to my car and cried like a baby. I am pretty sure my sister even had to take over the driving at this point. Anyway, I hated him and hated the fact that he was happy and doing well after how he treated me when we broke up - which I can sum up in one sentence - he threw a blackberry (phone not fruit) at my head.
If there was anyone I wanted to get revenge on, the ex was it. He deserved it, but I couldn't seem to find the right opportunity. Ironically, after moving to New York, I ran into my ex's best friend while I was home visiting my family. Now, my ex's bestie and I always had that awkward chemistry you have with someone you aren't supposed to have chemistry with and my ex knew it and it caused some pretty awful fights. Of course we see each other at one of the lovely (icky) bar establishments of western PA and he starts chatting me up. Some shots and a pitcher of the famous "blue balls" (a giant pitcher of liquor for $8.00 - God bless) later, we were sloppily making out and headed to his place. I think we all know what happens next.
I woke up, head pounding and forget where I was for a few seconds. Then it all came back to me - I had just hooked up with my ex's best friend. We had that awkward post-sex morning chit chat, realize we are still naked and start going at it. The whole time all I could do was laugh to myself about how awkward this would be between the ex and the best friend. Sure men have different mentality on these kinds of things, but knowing them and the relationship they had with each other, this was some good revenge. Mid-sex I started to feel the hangover. It starts to overwhelm me and I excuse myself to the bathroom. Vomit went everywhere. I don't know what happened, but I cleaned it up the best I could with his towel and bath mat - I had very little to work with here and to be honest I could have cared less. I brushed my teeth with some toothpaste on my finger and returned to bed and picked up right where him and I had left off.
When I went to leave, I realized I had somehow lost one of my pumps. That has NEVER happened to me and I have never been "that girl." I drove home with one pump on and one pump off while throwing up in an old McDonald's bag that had been in my car prior to the NYC move. However, I didn't care because as cliche as it is - the revenge was so sweet.
Some of you may be thinking, wait you got drunk and had sex with your ex's friend? Cool story, slut. And I hear you there. This is certainly not one of my classiest moments. But, how many times have guys done this to their ex's? A whole hell of a lot. Rarely, are women able to get revenge on an ex and feel liberated by it. And you know what, I did feel liberated and it felt fucking fantastic - so sue me.
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